Isn’t one of the worst human feelings being alone? It SUCKS doesn’t it???
I’m considered a popular guy in most respects, but still spend most of my life feeling alone. Why?
Well, as much as I hate to admit it, it’s because I was alone from the very start. I was watching a documentary today about the bonding process that’s SUPPOSED to take place after we’re popped out into the world.
Truth is this for me: My mom was gonna give me up for adoption. But, for some reason she said “Let me see the lil bastard first!” Well, I guess I was so dang cute she decided to keep me. She told me later on she said “Well, it’s just you and me kid!” That’s reassuring to some, but given my mom’s state of mind, that wasn’t much and it didn’t turn out to be much. I think she did the best she could based on her own emptiness. She wasn’t loved as a kid either.
We never bonded. Well, maybe during her last few weeks before she passed away we finally did bond – she was 69 and I was 42. But, during all the years leading up to that time I spent trying to fit in. To have friends, to have lovers, to have someone really, I mean really, care about me. To want to be around me. Sometimes I was successful, but most of the time I was lonely – I’m still lonely – even in a crowded room.
I have a phrase I say often “I’m often silent when I’m screaming inside.” That’s because normally I’m a fucking chatterbox of shit to say – some makes sense and some doesn’t. I fight to fit in – but I really don’t. Do I intimidate people? Am I too driven? Do I make people feel like shit because I try so hard? Probably so. I just passionately want to see people succeed – even when they think they can’t.
I think sometimes we try too hard to get what we really desire that we fuck everything else up. And, we don’t even realize it. We tend to be victims to our own shit we create. Then, we drown our sorrows in a bottle, food, or whatever else can take the pain away for the day.
I guess the reason for this post is to share that we can ease off the gas pedal sometimes and just be us. Not what we think people want us to be. We all want to be loved, needed, and accepted.
I’m learning I’m not all that and a flaming bag of popularity. Perhaps I crave on stage what I’m missing in my everyday life.
Together, we can learn that trying too hard to be what we think others want us to be is just exactly what’s fucking us up overall.
Just be you!
I need to just be me!
All my best for your KICKASS success!